Darling, Tiny, Baby Sheep from the Green Pastures in the Twenty-Third Psalm,
We are so challenged, nowadays, by so many things with this Covid-19 Virus and all. Even I, Dear Ones, made a little faux pas in my last week’s post, a typo in which I said that I wear a wig. How silly--foolish in the extreme! I do not wear a wig. The adorable coif you see on me is my natural hair. I really have no apprehension of how that minor detail was in error. It must be the stress of all the things (stock market) that are so out of control. We, I, can’t control everything just yet, but we can follow what the Bible says and do our best to dwell on pleasant things. As the King James Version of the Bible says, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
You are all so diminished in intellect right now, even more profoundly than normal, so I will provide you a list of things not to think upon and a list to think upon.
Do not think on these things.
1. the rubbery cleavage of Pastor Cummings’ secretary, Titsy, quivering slightly as she taps the keys of the computer with her nasty, long fingernails and pretends not to see you
2. poor, late Kenny Rogers’ snowy white beard in an unkempt state, greasy and stained with orange cigarette smoke
3. running out of twigs and leaves to clean your rectum and perianal area because all the forests have been cut down to make more toilet paper after the Coronavirus pandemic almost wiped us out (no pun intended)
Do think on these things.
1. a church picnic table spread:
smoked ham
deviled eggs
chocolate-covered donuts
pasta salad
potato chips
bun-length hot dogs
mayonnaise
tuna tacos
liquid cold medicine
Irish cream
stuffed peppers
vodka
hamburgers
pimento cheese-stuffed celery
platters of slices of American cheese
strawberry and lemon Bundt cakes
Irish cream with vodka and whipped cream
beanie weenie casserole
bacon-wrapped shrimp
herbal medicines from the heavenly fields
crab-stuffed mushrooms
and last, but not least, paper dinner napkins
2. wearing a tasteful, pink jacket and skirt ensemble with large pearl earrings, necklace, and bracelets as rays of sunshine beam through the stained glass windows of your church (not Catholic) and light you flatteringly as you receive a bouquet of roses from your pastor in recognition of being nominated Christian Woman of the Century for all of your unselfish work helping the pathetic and sinful become productive and respected members of society and your church home family
3. the tingling vibration of stern and rousing organ music playing “Onward Christian Soldiers” filling your body with delightful sensations just like the ones you experienced when you visited heaven and you and your doppelganger played doubles tennis with John the Baptist and Goldie Hawn
Now that you've had some practice, here’s a little exercise for you. Into which category would you sort the following topics?
twerking, pantyhose daintily folded into neat little balls in your drawer, lily of the valley-scented sachets, the privates, David Cassidy, the pink eyes of the bunny on the Easter china, and stringy, cut-off jean shorts barely concealing flabby, pimply buttocks
Remember, the Lord love you, and so do I!
Sending prayer cuddles to each and every, precious one of you!
Praise the Lord!
P.S. Please experience the rejuvenation of your long-gone, haggard, old virginity by sharing this post and/or my website with everyone you know. Also, you can friend me on Facebook, and follow me on Instagram and Twitter. If you’re honest with yourself, you know deep in your soul that you need all the help you can get to start doing right in the Lord.
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