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We all know that appearance is absolutely everything for the Christian family, especially the lady of the house. How she looks and the family, by extension, tells the world (and by the “world” I mean all the trashy sinners in need of rehabilitation) their moral state. People who are living right in the Lord’s eyes are clean, tidy, and stylish without being intentionally provocative. Sure, some people and men, especially, find venereal happiness when seeing a lady in heels and pantyhose, but that is a different matter altogether. A modest lady cannot control the effect her loveliness may have on her admirers-in-Christ.
The Lord allows strong, Christian home leaders to enjoy beauty where it may be found. For example, a well-manicured bush can bring joyful fascination to the heart and mind of any man. In fact, it is the God-given duty of a Christian wife to keep her home, including her bush or bushes, trimmed-up and tamed into tasteful perfection. Topiary really says salvation to the world at large. A sweet, heart-shaped bush says so much: we have the money to buy a bush and hire a little man to lovingly shape it into the most alluring forms. If a family has the wherewithal for such things, then clearly the Lord has blessed them with his favor. Why just the other day, my admirable Dickie stood straight up on our veranda, drinking a Biblically-vinted glass of wine and said, “Gladys, your little, heart-shaped bush is so inspirational. I feel myself growing in stamina, as I gaze upon it. Thank you for making home such a haven of rest and rejuvenation for me.”
I’ll admit, I did digress just a skosh when I launched right into the comeliness of my bush, but it does prove the point that a good life is all about looking good. If a family looks good, then it naturally follows that they are good. Who has time for drugs and affairs when one is storing cashmere sweaters in custom-made cedar closets? What about ironing? Finding someone to iron your clothes and sheets takes oodles of time, I know—almost as much time as ironing it yourself. No time to cadge from the jewelry store when you’re busy steaming out wrinkles. Driving to and from the dry cleaners takes time away from gambling. Shopping and lunching with godly friends takes lots of time; time that could be spent viewing pornography on the computer. Shopping and lunching are similar to beauty appointments, as they are gracious moments of edification and praise with like-minded and Lord-loving, friends-in-Christ. What about the teen’s trips to the dermatologist? No time to steal cars and fornicate when you’re busy applying acne cream. Nary a spit-spot Christian ever lured elderly people into giving away their life’s savings via a phone scam; he or she was just too occupied blow drying his or her hair and applying deodorant and then wiping away the white smear on his or her lightly-starched shirt or blouse.
Plastic surgery is the go-to panacea for any type of moral and/or physical ugliness. It does a lot of work to take one’s mind off temptations. In fact, I have a dear friend and sister-in-Christ, Mrs. Kitty Humper, who avoided the temptation to strangle her church secretary by having a face lift. Her murderous rage vanished when she was under anesthesia, and she emerged more beautiful, both inside and out.
Yes, the Lord loves the clean and tidy. Tut, tut, You Sloppy Slatterns! Roll up your sleeves and get busy. As the Bible says, “Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.” He loves surprise visits. Don’t be found in a state of shambles, or you might regret it forever and ever and ever.
Amen!
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