Precious Dollies of the End Times,
How you look on the outside tells the world who you are on the inside, so it is critical that you look the right way. Ladies have a particular je ne sais quoi which can be cultivated. In my book, The Mrs. Gladys Merriweather’s Young Ladies Guide to Venereal Etiquette, there are several sections on just this topic, such as “Undergarments are a Must” and “No Cleavage Please.” That menu of entries focuses more on what one does not want: belly shirts, “going commando” (disgusting, unsanitary) and on trends that can ruin a young lady’s prospects and a married woman’s status in her community. Today, I would like present what is desirable in the appearance.
There are so many discriminators that signify that a girl or a woman is in God’s Will, but one of the most overlooked and yet most telling is simply this: pantyhose. Ladies wear pantyhose year-round and to all sorts of social events: church, of course, but picnics and barbecues, as well, require hose; however, this is one of those subtle clues that one is a modest, woman of God that may elude the sensibilities of the untrained observer. Now, you, dear little angels, are in the know. Suntan colored, control-top pantyhose are my favorite choice because they are so versatile and work well with everything in my wardrobe from culottes to tweed suits--by “suits” I mean a blazer and skirt, not a man’s suit, No! As the King James Version of the Bible says, “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man…” The control-top feature is critical. No one wants to see a revolting paunch dangling pendulously beneath a lightweight summer fabric, nor does one want to see an enormous, tumor-like mass which puts one in mind of gargantuan sweet breads bulging underneath a sweater. Let us not inflict our bodies on the eyes of the world!
Not only are pantyhose beautiful and modest, they are healthful as well. All the leading doctors and scientists in this great nation’s top hospitals and universities agree that women who wear pantyhose live, on average, five years longer than those who do not. Could this be correlated with lifestyle factors such as church attendance and diet? Probably. However, women who wear pantyhose five out of seven days each week report better mental health and greater, overall, satisfaction with their lives. Finally, women who wear pantyhose are a whopping 96.2% more likely to be married to men whose income represents the top 3% of all taxpayers in the U.S. Clearly, wearing pantyhose is the best thing that a woman could do for herself. Change your life today; start wearing pantyhose.
As a wave of nostalgia flows over me, I am compelled to mention white gloves. Yes, ladies used to wear white gloves to most outings, including church and shopping for pantyhose. Sadly, Michael Jackson ruined that for us, but let us not dwell on what is not lovely. Fondly, I remember my mother teaching me to wear gloves when I donned my hose as a way to prevent runs in my stockings. Oh, the days of thrift and home economy were so glorious and filled with the light of heaven! I wish you could visit those times with me. Perhaps, when we are travelling those streets of gold, we will see the Light of Christ blazing through our eternal raiment, which will certainly include pantyhose. Perhaps, we will all wear white gloves and suntan control-top pantyhose on that eternal shore!
P.S. in the Lord,
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