Yes, Sweetest, Little, Baby-Pink House Slippers, Unsullied by the Dirty Brown Earth, as I prayed for guidance on this month’s post, I heard the dearest angel, Wayne Newton, sing, “Count, your blessings. Name them one by one. Count you many blessings. See what God hath done.” There are so many fine things to be grateful for this lovely November, I thought as I sipped hot coffee from my Wedgewood coffee mug.
“Gladys!” I heard the Lord bellow, which startled me.
“Yes, Lord!” I cried as I made my way from the study into the kitchen. “I wasn’t expecting you.” The Lord sat at my breakfast bar sopping egg yolk with a piece of buttered white bread from a fall-themed plate.
“You should always expect me. Especially, after you pray. Jesus Christ, what do you think I am, a bum?” The Lord held up the plate and peered ponderously at, what I think, might have been the turkey’s backside. “You have special plates for Thanksgiving?”
“Yes, I do. A lot of people do. Would you like some coffee?” I refilled my cup.
“Nah, I had a kombucha before I came over.”
“How may I help you, Lord?” I asked.
“I’m helping you. You asked for help… with your post for November. Remember?”
“Right! Yes. Thank you. I’m all ears.” I picked up the grocery list notepad. “Fire.”
The Lord stood up and stretched. “Make a list of things you’re thankful for.”
“Okay. A list of things for which I’m thankful. Anything else?” I asked.
“Make a list with thirty things on it. One for each day in November.”
“Oh, great idea! Thanks.” I clapped my hands with delight.
“Well, yeah. I mean, I am God and all that. Out.”
The Lord vanished, but I do believe, I saw the imprint of a turkey’s hind end in the cushion of my bar stool. Oh, the Lord is such a character, a real prankster. Bless him. I returned to my study and set about the task at hand with alacrity.
1. my church home 2. Pastor Cummings 3. Ladies’ Bible Class 4. sweet hours of prayer with my sisters-in-Christ 5. The King James Version of the Bible
“Gladys!” the Lord hollered.
“Yes? I thought you left,” I shouted towards the kitchen. In an instant, the Lord was standing in the doorway to my study wearing a sparkly, pink fairy godmother costume.
“Be honest. You have to be honest on something like this.” He gazed at me most dourly.
“I am thankful for The King James Version of the Bible,” I asserted as I looked deep into my soul for the truth.
2. bandages 3. crackers 4. butter 5. face cream 6. sleep-aid cold medicine 7. prisons 8. Pastor Cummings' adorable little dimples 9. times when Titsy is out of town 10. Pansy’s Tea Room 11. my hairdresser 12. undergarments 13. clothes to hide the ugly 14. pantyhose 15. thick, meaty sausages 16. muscular hands
“Honest!” The Lord strode over to my desk and tapped the leather top with his silver, glitter-star wand.
17. sexy reptilian aliens 18. rose-scented hand cream 19. vodka 20. relaxing massages from my chiropractor, Dr. Member
“Better. But your schadenfreude is pretty intense,” the Lord scowled as he looked at my list.
“I don’t know what that word means.” I did my best impression of a fawn frozen in the headlights of a semi-truck. "Why, may I ask, are you wearing a fairy godmother costume?”
“Come on! You know that I know that you know what schadenfreude means. You’re pushing it, Gladys. Now, get to work!” The Lord glared at me. “And what I wear is no business of yours.”
21. the possibility that Titsy could die in a car accident 22. sinners will burn for all eternity 23. Titsy could be disfigured in a house fire 24. Titsy could be abducted by Bigfoot-like creatures and be made to be their sex slave 25. Titsy’s gross car is a jalopy and people make fun of it behind her back 26. my husband, Dickie, for the most part 27. people who do things for me 28. Santa Claus 29. T.V. programs about sharks eating people 30. Pat Boone’s firm little fanny
I looked up from my list and saw that I was alone. “Hey, Lord, you here?” I called. “I did it!”
The Lord materialized in front of me. “Good job,” he beamed. “Now, I’ll tell you. I’m wearing this costume because I’m going to a Halloween party.”
“Really? I thought you didn’t like that holiday.”
The Lord shrugged, “It’s fine. It a great excuse to dress up.”
*
Dearest Most Gullible Readers, Trick or Treat! I tricked you. Of course, I don’t wish ill on anyone or think about inappropriate things. Never! And let’s be honest: Titsy is more like a humanoid, not really a human, so even if I, sort of, wish ill upon her it doesn’t count, right?
This is my slightly belated Halloween caper for you. That being said, it is healthful to count your blessings, so my list is a tidy twofer: part list and part trick.
Praise the Lord!
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