When you go to bed tells a great deal about your character. As Ben Franklin, one of our nations most favored of the throne of God, wrote, “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man [or woman] healthy, wealthy, and wise.” If, on the other hand, you are a night owl, it goes without saying that you are diseased, destitute, and dumb.
Medical science has proven again and again that skags who stay up past 9:00 p.m. are lamentable bags of illness and create an unholy burden on our medical facilities because they are deranged and selfish by nature. They are 73% more likely to contract a venereal disease, 89% more likely to call in sick to any obligations due to illness because their houses are dirty, and a whopping 96.43% more likely to be smokers.
Let this description paint a picture of the typical nightwalker woman. If you peer into a lighted bedroom (in imagination of course. I wouldn’t endorse voyeurism), after nine p.m., you will observe a greasy-haired and hairy woman simultaneously smoking a cigarette and eating from a five-day-old, store-bought container of potato salad, which she will discard on the floor by her bedside, only to find it months later attracting mice, engrossed in a lurid scene with a muscular man sweeping a saucy lass into his bed. This type of woman (Titsy, for example) who reads these novels is likely to engage in pre-marital sex, based on her unnatural appetite for salacious literature. Pre-marital sex causes venereal disease, so there you have it: late nights cultivate all manner of infirmities.
Poverty is sure to trot forth like a pustulant, trichinosis-rife sow from a life lived such as the one featured above. If you spend your God-given and precious time lounging around in chili-stained sweats reading trashy novels and watching even trashier television programs, you are certain to be a procrastinator. Wallowing in dirty sheets and smoking do not correspond with the industrious nature of a godly woman, who is, most likely, a godly wife. Missing church because you stayed up late gratifying your own whims will not lead to financial well-being as you will miss easy connections with all the most elevated of your community. Everyone knows that hardworking people who use their time cultivating the Lord’s kingdom on earth are bound to be rich, and wealth is a sign of God’s favor. No Christian man would consider a frowsy sluggard as a candidate for marriage as this distended-from-potato chip-and-bean dip slouch would only sink any ambition he might have right into a financial cesspool.
Only a dumb ass, meaning a low-intelligence beast of burden, would stay up late, probably practicing witchcraft and necromancy, when she could be up early attending a prayer breakfast or polishing the brass knobs of her antique pie safe. All the world’s leading psychologists attest that high intelligence corresponds to early rising. See that tidy woman in crisp walking shorts and a little visor at 6:00 a.m. striding briskly through your neighborhood? She is a smart, high-status, married woman-- smart enough to have memorized your neighborhood covenants and report you for any violations she might grasp with her acute powers of observation. In contrast, the red-eyed, late riser is a dolt whose foolishness can be exceeded only by the likes of those such as Titsy or that grim, ex-stripper, Sherry Candy Lynn.
Zealous, White Lilies, Robed in Morning Dew, rise early and take hold of the blessings that are yours as you will be just as our dear Franklin said, “Healthy,….”
“Gladys!”
“Yes, Lord? I was just finishing up my post for July.”
“You kill me with this stuff,” He said as he poured a craft beer into a glass.
“Should I stop?” I looked over the rims of my glasses at Him.
“No, I’m used to it.”
“Okay, then,” I said.
“wealthy, and wise.”
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