Dear, Future Helpmeets of Adam’s Seed,
Even though Covid-19 is a big preoccupation for many people right now, we must go on with our lives, and I want to offer a wrist corsage of hope to the young ladies of today in anticipation of this punishment from the Lord ending. You can easily catch a man if you follow my magnificent and God-given guidelines. Men are the superior sex physically, mentally, and spiritually, as was ordained by God, but they are also simple and easy to predict. If they weren’t thus, we would have no hope of coaxing them into marriage.
The first thing that will attract a man to you is your physical appearance. You want to be clean, modest, and alluring. Alluring? you might ask. Yes, and by that, I mean you must be feminine and attractive. Make up, hairstyle, manicure, and stylish, lady-like attire to fit the occasion tell your future husband that you take pride in yourself. No man would be interested in a sloppy woman wearing rollers in her hair and dirty house shoes. Remember, even after marriage, you will always have competition from women in the world of work whom your husband will be bound to encounter. If you’re smart, you will make sure his secretary is ugly, a real dog with B.O. -- just a tip.
Another, sure-fire man-catcher is adoration. Hang on his every word; act like you care. Laugh at his jokes; praise him for even the smallest successes. For example, if you’re dining in an exclusive steak house (someday, I hope and pray), and he orders for you both thank him profusely, and say something like, “That was magnificent the way you ordered for us! How intelligent and forceful you were to ask for more butter with the sourdough bread. Clearly, the Lord has blessed you with a first-class brain. Whomever you choose to become your wife and bear your children will be the luckiest girl on earth.” Something like that will suffice.
Compatibility is a winning characteristic, as well. If he likes football, you love football; if he collects guns, you have lifetime membership with the N.R.A.; if he is a cage fighter, you are taking classes in cage fighting. You get the idea. This lets him know he will never, ever be alone for one second of his leisure time. You will be there cheering him on with delighted admiration, taking pleasure in his pleasure. Another aspect of compatibility is agreement. Do not contradict anything he says or does under any circumstance. If he makes an error about anything, at all, for example driving in the wrong direction from your intended destination do not mention it--not even if you will forgo attending an expensive cultural event such as the opera because the ushers will close the doors to the theater’s house, and you will not be allowed to enter until the intermission. Don’t say a word. Say that he, positively, drove the right way and that the theater must have been relocated brick by brick in secret. If he is irritated with the usher because you are not allowed to enter the production late, agree with him that the usher is completely out of line and offer to take dictation for a letter of complaint to the usher’s manager. If he says Madame Butterfly is a musical, it’s a musical. You’ll win him, for sure, with this strategy.
To be continued in next week's post
P.S. Please experience the rejuvenation of your long-gone, haggard, old virginity by sharing this post and my website with everyone you know and/or exercising your last hope for making a good marriage by following my advice. Also, you can friend me on Facebook, and follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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