Oh, Treasured Heiresses of True Womanliness,
As we move out of our collective prayer closets and back into society, I feel inspired, nay, compelled to denounce the unwholesome practice of socially kissing on the lips of the face.
*
“Gladys?”
“Yes, Lord, it is I, your servant, come to do your bidding.” I made my facial expression extra-rapt by widening my eyes.
“What did Grandma say about kissing on the mouth?” The Lord sprouted a diminutive, hot-pink goatee in a jiffy just so he could stroke it thoughtfully.
“Why, she said, ‘Kissing on the mouth is nasty.’ You know that,” I replied.
“Exactly,” He nodded. “Now, get back to work. By the way, I want mac and cheese for lunch.”
“I’m on it, Lord.”
*
Even dear, sweet Grandma knew how dirty and filthy it is to kiss on the lips. Germy and gross with all that moist saliva coating the lips in a slime. It puts one in mind of intestines. Medically speaking, the lips and the intestines are anatomically similar. I know this because my chiropractor, Dr. Member, told me so. I recall it like it was yesterday. I was on the table, and he was giving me my treatment for nerves when he said, “Gladys, the intestines are similar to the lips.” I was thrilled to learn something new to share with my precious Dickie. I so look forward to resuming those calming treatments when all this Covid-19 problem is over, which leads me back to my important message.
Celebrate your freedom never to kiss on the lips again because it is dangerous and dirty! After all this pandemic and social distancing, no one will ever want to kiss on the lips socially again. Praise the Lord! Perhaps, this is the silver lining to this global inconvenience. Perhaps, the Lord arranged it just so.
*
“Lord?”
“S’up? Time for mac and cheese? I’ll braid my goatee.”
“No, not yet. Soon!” I clapped my hands and laughed. He tends to get hangry. “So, I have a question. Did you create this pandemic to get rid of social kissing on the lips of the face?”
“Jesus, Gladys. No, I did not.”
“Okay, thanks.”
*
If you’re a kisser, and you need a little help giving up this vice, here’s a little prayerful meditation for you. Imagine you’re going in for the kiss. You lean in and pucker up. The other party leans in and is about six inches from your face when their lips become a writhing nest of innards.
I’ll bet you never want to kiss on the lips of the face again. You’re cured! Hallelujah!
*
“Dammit, Gladys! You crossed the line on this one. What’s wrong with you?” The Lord stood firmly planted in place with His fists on His hips.
“Nothing?” I ventured tentatively. “Maybe I’m over-tired from sanitizing all the time?”
“Well, whatever. After you make my mac and cheese, put your feet up. Have a pitcher of White Russians.”
“Thanks. Lord!”
*
I include this slight transgression in taste and rebuke from the Lord as a way to educate you, Little Beginners. Even I make mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself if you accidentally wear a sleeveless top, for example. Conversely, don't be too easy either; you don't want to make it a habit and develop a reputation for tackiness. Of course, the Lord forgave me, and He might even forgive you too. You could ask.
As the King James Version of the Bible says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.”
Amen!
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