Dark Forces may be sending my emails to your spam folder!
Dear, Vulnerable Baby Chicks from the Lord’s Easter Basket,
When I woke up in heaven and suckled from the Lord’s own teat, I absorbed more than the fatty rich, menthol-flavored milk which He gave unto me. I was gifted with a super-power: the ability to restore virginity. If you would like to read more about that miraculous event, I have faith that, someday, you will be able to do so if my manuscript of The Mrs. Gladys Merriweather’s Young Ladies’ Guide to Venereal Etiquette is published. This gift and my subsequent mission to save the women of our great nation from the moral potty in which they now swim due to the licentious perversions encouraged by the many Dark Forces which govern this world are why, I believe in my spirit, that some of you have experienced electronic discord.
Those very same Dark Forces, including but not limited to The Pope, Reptilian Aliens, Planned Parenthood, Tom Cruise, NOW, Hillary Clinton’s Alien-Spawn Baby Robots, and Donald Trump’s toupee-style hairdo are the reason my important, soul-savings emails have landed in your spam folder and some of you have had difficulty posting your comments if you have subscribed to this blog. I have seen, with my own eyes, eager subscribers tippy tap in their emails and press submit only to be disappointed when no email arrives. Recently, I have witnessed those same future citizens of heaven type in their emails, press submit, and jump for joy when the confirmation email arrived like the dove of peace did alight upon Noah’s wrist. The Dark Forces’ powers are lessening, but do not let down your guard. Check your spam folder!
Yes, Dark Forces, you cannot hide your evil-doing from my daughters and sons in Christ who have found their way to me. “Watching you, watching YOU! There’s an All-Seeing Eye watching you,” as the old-time hymn says. We know what you’re trying to do, and it will not succeed!
I, Gladys, stand in the gap and command You, in the name of Jesus, to depart and return to hell from whence you originate! I raise my fist to you, and I punch you in the nose! Be gone, good bye, bye bye, so long, don’t let the door hit you in the heinie! I crisply dust my hands of you and resume my hour of praise!
I have returned to you, Darlings, from a cotton candy-flavored, pink fountain of worship!
“It is well with my soul,” sings as softly as a feathery lullaby in my mind. Fear not! I have defeated the Forces of Darkness, and, of course, Jesus kind of helped. Frankly, he seemed a tad preoccupied, so whatever.
A note—notes, on a couple of things. First, Jesus told me to say, “Fuck off, Dickheads!” as an incantation against evil, but I did not use those exact words as I did not want to offend those who are not yet elevated in spirit to the degree that they can understand how the rules and things are so different when you’re dealing directly with the Lord, Himself. I did use the word “heinie” and threaten violence as a way to convey the spirit of His message. Charming Virgins and Matrons of the Second Coming, do not use these types of tactics on your own as they are very advanced and could give the wrong impression to a potential or actual husband.
Secondly, of the Dark Forces, Donald Trump’s toupee-style hairdo is the most nefarious. The Reptilian Aliens control his mind through the medium of that coif by sending energetic messages through the hair, itself, and they want to turn the humans into hamburgers for their consumption, so that can’t be good.
Adieu for now! My virile Dickie calls to me. I must away to swab his steak with butter and cream his potatoes.
P.S. in the Lord,
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